Do you ever feel an overwhelming sadness taking over you just when you thought everything was perfectly going normal and suddenly slipped through your fingers like sand? Making you feel like it’s all over when you dreamt of it being forever, hoped that it would last till the end of the time and promised yourself that its the one thing you simply cannot live without if lost? Well, I too had one such thing, no, one such person in my life. I had a girlfriend. The most precious thing to me, the one thing I held most dear and it was lost. Slipped right through my fingers like particles of fine sand in a desert wind.
It was just a regular day at the office for me. Going through all the files and pushing in the keyboard buttons like a robot feeded with a program and generating output. My mobile phone blipped with a notification. It was a text from an unknown number saying ‘Hi, I’m Parul!’ and I knew who she was. One of my friends had volunteered to set me up with her friend and I asked her to share my number if she was interested in talking to me. Now I knew she was when the text came. I picked up the phone and typed in back the reply ‘Hi, I’m Daksh’. After some regular chit-chat, sharing stuff with each other and getting to know each other we bid farewell hoping to talk soon. I wanted to talk to her again. I wanted to call her and listen to her voice.
After a few days of chatting, she asked to meet, with friends of course, with the friend who set us up. The day, time and venue were fixed. I was anxiously waiting for the days to pass by and eager to meet her. And then came the day of reckoning. I met her for the first time and I knew that something was about to change in my life and she is going to be a part of it. She was not breathtakingly beautiful but there was a charm about her which attracted me. The way she talked and was using her hand gestures. She had not the most beautiful voice but I felt like I could listen to her all the time. We were supposed to meet in a mall. Roaming here and there, chatting, sharing our thoughts and ideas. Her hands were not the smoothest I ever felt but had the most gentle touch when I held them. She was not the perfect woman anyone would die for but I felt drawn towards her. We roamed for few hours and then she left. She told that her family was conservative and that she was expected home on time but I knew, neither she wanted to leave nor I wanted her to leave. She gave me a friendly hug, a small and warm one and there were butterflies in my stomach. I wanted to hold her like this forever.
That night we chatted for long hours and the very next day I asked her the ultimate question. I texted her and built up a simple conversation and with crossed fingers, shot the question. It was quite fast for two strangers to commit to each other but I was happy.
Have you felt that everything is perfectly alright, no matter how screwed up your life was at the moment but you had that unknowing confidence that you will clear up this mess and will be imperfectly perfect? I had the same feeling crawling up my mind. It was like everything I ever wanted was with me in the form of that girl. Everything I could dream of was no longer needed. I just wanted to be with her for each and every second of my life and just wanted to do all I could to make her happy. Was it love? I don’t know, how could I? I had never fallen in love before. But it was something, it was more than attraction, it was more than lust.
Everything was going on good. We met, chatted, talked and missed each other. One fine day we decided to meet up and go on out for sightseeing. And that was the day I realised that I had fell in love with her. We hugged and kissed, a peck on the cheeks, and was having one of the most beautiful days of my life. It was like I could live in that moment for the rest of my life. And that is when I said to her in the softest voice I could manage, “I love you!” And I meant it. I meant it every single time I said that to her for all the days to come, all the seconds that passed by and still now that I have lost her. I meant it from the bottom of my heart. We all like to talk about being modern, right? Living in the 21st century where all those old school rituals don’t matter any more, where the cast difference, age difference doesn’t cause any more trouble. Don’t we? But how wrong we are when these thoughts cross our mind, when we are blinded by such ideas in the Indian society. Love has no gender, no caste, no religion and no race unless you come to India. These thoughts still surround the world in which we are living in, in the modern society, where the honour in the samaaj is more important than the happiness of the people.
My relation was the victim of one such thought too. I was on top of the world and at the moment when I could not possibly want anything else, everything was snatched away from me in the name of love and everything was lost. She brokeup with me because as she had mentioned before, her family was conservative and we could not be together because of our caste difference. And the love we shared and everything we had was lost just by a simple set of words. We were over. I could not believe it. Her voice still echoes through my mind, I still feel her fingers locked with mine and her body so close to mine. I still remember the moments we spent together and still hold on to those memories. I miss her and yes, I love her.